I've got to be honest. Over these past few weeks/months things have been off, personally. Like somethings missing. I've been trying to figure out what it is. It's been bugging and me and after trying different things I still felt lost. However, it is kind of funny to see how Heavenly Father works with me. It is SO subtle (sometimes I wish it wasn't so subtle). I usually miss the signs the first few times haha! But I know that God is helping me learn something in the process. I remember praying and asking God to help me find the missing piece or make the feeling to away.
As time passed I continued to pray for the same thing and I still constantly felt like something was missing in my life. But what? My scripture study has been super great, I'm saying my prayers (personally and with my husband), I'm attending my church meetings, fulfilling my visiting teaching, school at BYU is going fantastic, I love my job at the MTC, my husband is so supportive, generous, kind and wonderful to me. I even started indexing haha! What the heck was missing?! My life sounded perfect. Why was I feeling this way? I was so frustrated. It made me sad. Why was God ignoring me?
Then just this past week I've noticed small little insights that I've gained and little by little I'm beginning to realize what the missing piece is. I still don't know exactly what that piece is, but I've been inspired by the Spirit of small changes I needed to make in my life and I've been much happier since those changes have been made.
It all started when my husband finally reached a goal he had been working toward! He was so happy and filled with so much motivation. He said to me, "when you have a goal and you work hard to achieve it, then you will." That really stuck with me.
Then a little later in my Book of Mormon class we talked about agency and how we have the power to choose. To choose righteousness or disobedience. I thought to myself that I have the choice to be happy. It's MY choice.
Another little moment was just this past week when I read a blog post from a sister from my mission who had just returned home, (Emily Rawlins--
Her blog). She said this,
"The hardest adjustment is figuring out who I am now. I'm not the person I was before the mission, nor am I the person I was during the mission. Those seasons of life are over. Those time have passed. I need to now become the person I am during this season of life."
I realized that I totally skipped that when I returned home from my mission. I don't know who I am. I'm not the me I was before the mission and I'm not Sister Faagai either. I guess these past months I was trying to be some combination of the two; I don't know. All I know is that I need to be the person that God needs me to be right now. I know who I want to be, but I'm not there yet.
I need to change.
The next thing that helped me to know this truth happened last night. Al Fox Carraway (if you don't about her, look her up! She's awesome) came and spoke at my school. She talked about change. It was like she was talking to me. I even bought her book afterwards haha! And there's a part of the book entitled "Change." It talks about a bishop that asked a group of young women, "What is the most important part of the gospel." She says that the girls yelled out the answers like, "prayer." "Sacrament." Etc. Those are all awesome answers, but the bishop shook his head. The bishop said...
"the most important part of the gospel is that people can change."
BOOM!!
Okay Heavenly Father. I get it. Haha.
Change is real.
I know now that are things that I need to change in my life. That's my next question to Heavenly Father. What should I change? I feel like I have an idea of some things that I need to change. Such as, I need to stop trying to be the person before my mission and I also need to stop living as if I'm still 'Sister Faagai'. I need use the things I've learned and apply them to help me find who I am meant to be right now.
I need to change:
- By having more meaningful scripture study & use the study methods taught by Elder Bednar
- By having better eating habits and a create a healthier lifestyle
- By prioritizing things better
- By having more charity
- By being more humble
- By building my confidence
- By sharing the gospel more often
- By focusing on being spiritually fed
- By finding and KEEPING my motivation
- By NOT comparing myself to others
I know that I'm slowly becoming who God needs me to be right now. Like really slow; before, it kind of felt like I was moving through molasses. But now that I know there are changes that I need to make, it's making things move a little nicer.
I know I'm not perfect and I'll be working toward that my whole life. But I know that I can work everyday to get closer. I'm grateful for Jesus Christ and His perfect example.
I want to share this quote with you by President Henry B. Eyring:
"Most of us have had some experience with self-improvement efforts. My experience has taught me this about how people and organizations improve: the best place to look is for small changes we could make in things we do often. There is power in steadiness and repetition. And if we can be led by inspiration to choose the right small things to change, consistent obedience will bring great improvement."
Change is real. God is good. And I can do this.
